1. |
||||
|
EEEEEEEEEEEE
Garbage in the compactor
throw it in and shut the door
Activate the Trash Smashor
Safety systems are bypassed
You fall in there with the trash
Now you're getting really smashed
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Awful-smelling juices spray
squeezed from piles of decay
Heated on throughout the day
Mechanisms unforgiving
Hydraulic systems now crush
Mashed into a pile of mush
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Mashed into an unrecognizable pulp!
|
||||
2. |
||||
|
A camping trip in the wilderness
you have to bring your own food
Sticks of cheese and some Slim Jims
A small amount of trail mix
The hike is long and strenuous
You're working up an appetite
You haven't tried granola yet
Focused on eating other foods
Eating the food for energy
But raccoons take your food
And leave you with nothing more
than a package of granola that is moldy
The raccoons ran away with your food
And now you're lost in the forest
In a state of desperation
You take a handful
OF MOLD
It was a mistake
You should not have eaten it
The toxins fill your bloodstream
And turn you into a zombie
Your brain is now a pile of mush
You wander to a bear cave
And then the bear eats you
And now we have a zombie bear
Forced To Eat moldy granola
|
||||
3. |
Rapid Formation Of Mold
01:53
|
|||
|
Eeeeeeeee.....
Decaying old food
left out at room temperature too long
Infested and rotting
it is reclaimed by nature
It's consumed by mold forms
and your dinner plans are ruined
Digested by plant life
it's now just a smorgasbord of mush
It's liquefied
(and ossified)
And now there's no return from the other side
It's ruined
(by toxins)
And now it's just a big old pile of mush
Big pile of mush.
|
||||
4. |
||||
|
Time for fun, it's movie night and everyone is feelin' right
Snacks are in the kitchen
(you went to Aldi)
Pause the movie, take a break, you think it is a good idea
to go make some popcorn
(brand is generic)
You didn't read the instructions
You didn't read the package
You didn't heed the warnings
Hot steam burns your face
Microwave wattage is high, also it is broken
and does not work properly
(old shitty microwave)
Opening the popcorn bag, in front of your stupid face
Butter Lovers', third-degree burns
Burned by hot popcorn steam
|
||||
5. |
||||
|
Field trip with the fuckin' school
My fuckin' classmates are assholes
Museum of natural history
Cursed and haunted from the mummies.
My teacher is a Satan-worshipper
Summoning the powers of the dead
Causing skeletons to come to life
Ripping everyone to shreds.
Dinosaur
Skeleton
tearing unsuspecting visitors limb from limb
Stegasaur
Tyranosaur
Creating a new mess for the janitor
Dinosaur
See the gore
Human meat is shredded by the raptor
Revenge for
Extinction
Back from the dead to kill again
Primordial resurrection
humans are food, live dissection
(Archaeological gore destruction
eaten alive by dinosaur skeletons)
Jurassic obliteration
not enough mops at the janitor station
(eaten alive by dinosaur skeletons
ruins your trip to the museum)
|
||||
6. |
||||
|
You're a rich fucking prick
You paid for a hunting safari
With your dumb little khaki outfit
Soon you will be sorry
You think you're a tough guy
In the safety of your humvee
Wasting tons of gasoline
in the deserts of Mali
Trophy hunting is for assholes
and you are an asshole
You're a spoiled rich little piece of shit
killing just for trophy
You see some nice elephants
minding their own business
you reach for your big gun
compensate for your small penis
On this day the elephant will take revenge
It's high on peyote
It is much stronger, and much bigger than you
so it stomps your humvee
Elephant's foot stomping the shit out of you
Trunk crushing your torso
Ivory tusks impale and dismember you
Impaled by elephant tusks
|
||||
7. |
||||
|
Such a pile of bullshit, such a fuckin' buzzkill
I really hate your fucking face
You look like a fucking twat, every single word you say
is a load of goat shit
You're a lying sack of shit, in secret you probably
pay hookers to shit on you
You command an army of easily-deceived grannies
& old people in Florida
Televised billionaire, brainwashing weak-minded rubes
turning their brains into mush
Making up a bunch of shit, raking all their money in
with your shit-eating grin
You look like a ball bag, and some day I bet you
probably will go to Hell
And once you are in Hell, Satan will shit on you
while demons pee on your face
I summon Satan
with the Necronomicon
Acidic urine
burns your fuckin' face
I open the Ark Of The Covenant
like in Raiders Of The Lost Ark
then all these ghosts come out
and melt your fucking face
|
||||
8. |
Choking On Unchewed Food
01:59
|
|||
|
All you can eat fish-fry
Goin' every Friday night
to a filthy neighborhood pub
to binge-eat and get real drunk
You didn't chew the food
Coughing and choking up mush
Cheese curd stuck in your throat
Your carcass falls to the floor
You ate the food too fast
and no one knows the Heimlich
Your mouth is filled with walleye,
rye bread and cole slaw
Now the bar staff is laughing at you
as bits of food fly from your stupid face
Nobody cares, everybody just looks
as the juke box plays some Bon Jovi
Choke choke choke
|
||||
9. |
||||
|
You thought it would be cool to explore abandoned buildings
Little did you know though that this building's fuckin' haunted
Poltergeist activity is common in this building
Checking out the building until ghosts come out and kill you
Push you down an elevator shaft
Push you down an elevator shaft
Falling down the elevator shaft, wonder what pushed you?
Then you hit the bottom and your body turns to mush
Suddenly the elevator activates and gears turn
Mashing up your pitiful remains into more mush
Push you down an elevator shaft
Push you down an elevator shaft
Pushed down an elevator shaft!
|
||||
10. |
||||
|
Wizard's apprentice serving up some lunch
Milk that's been left sitting out in the sun
Sandwich made with expired mayonnaise
Wizard is working on magical spells
Chugging the drink and inhaling the food
No one realized it was totally old
Suddenly a magical spell is reversed
Wizard is now a fountain spraying out mush
Knocking over tools and potions
Cauldron gets tipped over also
Spraying mush all over the castle
Falling down a spiral set of stairs
|
||||
11. |
||||
|
You're lost in the forest
You find something simmering
In a cast iron cauldron
Of very high quality
You taste with the ladle
the drugs start to kick in
You realize it's innards
You now want the recipe
|
||||
12. |
||||
|
On a quest in a magical realm
(magical lakes and magical mountains)
Inventory of items and potions
(found on the journey through magical kingdoms)
Fighting blue slimes with wooden sword
(collect the gold, and collect the items)
Now you're approached by a unicorn
(mythical horse of majestic beauty)
Use, using up your items using up your potions
cannot ride the unicorn
Food, using up your food stash, gonna use the food to
try to feed the unicorn
Now, unicorn is eating but they aren't supposed to
be eating the human food
You, plastered in the feces, magical and sparkly
spraying from the unicorn
The unicorn ate a bowlful of mush
(hit points are down from bacterial infection)
All of your food with no refrigeration
(rapid increase of harmful pathogens)
You should have left the unicorn alone
(you fucking idiot, what were you thinking!?)
Coated and filthy from all of the mush
(growing the mushrooms you're left in the rainstorm)
Use, using up your items using up your potions
cannot ride the unicorn
Food, using up your food stash, gonna use the food to
try to feed the unicorn
Now, unicorn is eating but they aren't supposed to
be eating the human food
You, plastered in the feces, magical and sparkly
spraying from the unicorn
Plastered in unicorn feces!
|
||||
13. |
Ruined Food
00:03
|
|||
|
Ruined food!
|
||||
14. |
||||
|
On a camping trip
to spend time in the woods
With activities planned
Kayak and hiking
You set up your tent
and you make a campfire
Now it's time for dinner
So you cook marshmallow
You were irresponsible
and didn't listen to the ranger
about how food will attract a bear
and your campsite's on a burial ground
You look up at the pretty stars
realize just how small you are
But then you see something big approach
from a sparkly, magic mist
It's a magical bear
spraying hot liquid cheese
It does not want marshmallow
It wants revenge
Bear claws disembowel you
Your mangled corpse falls to the ground
And from its eyes, hot liquid cheese
causes burns to your carcass
Magic bear
Liquid cheese
Leave bears alone
Do not feed
|
||||
15. |
Shut Your Kid Up
01:19
|
|||
|
Shut the fuck up
you stupid piece of shit
shut your fuckin' sound-hole
(shut the fuck up)
Shut your fuckin' mouth
Nobody wants to hear you
Screamin' like a banshee
(shut the fuck up)
Why is the parent so fucking negligent?
Take responsibility
(Shut your fuckin' kid up, learn some fuckin' manners
give us all some fuckin' peace)
Shut your kid up
Can't you fuckin' see
that it's pissing everybody off
(shut the fuck up)
Learn some discipline
control your fuckin' kid
and quit giving them sugar
(shut the fuck up)
Shut your kid up!
|
||||
16. |
||||
|
Arctic expedition, riding on a sled
Into a canyon of magical ice
You brought provisions, a loaf of pizza bread
bag of Chex Mix and a giant hoagie
When you weren't looking, a walrus approached
Hungry cause there was no penguins to eat
It knocks you out with a sock full or rocks
And then he sits down and he eats all your food
He cracks open a beer
EAT!!!
Eating all of your food
You're lying there with a massive head wound
unable to move, walrus eating your food
and drinking tons of Old Style and Strohs
You wonder where did he get all that beer?
No one will find you, your carcass is doomed
Humongous walrus devours your food
Then suddenly some penguins show up too
they brought more beer, now you're totally screwed
|
||||
17. |
||||
|
You're on a trip hunting
You think you're really cool
But in the forest sleeps an ancient beast
And your bloody doom awaits you
Dismembered by mossy elk antlers.
|
||||
18. |
||||
|
Little Billy left a glass of milk out at night, along with some cookies
With a note that said “for Santa” but he misspelled it “for Satan”
Milk left at room temperature for way too long, buildup of bacteria
Santa drank it all not knowing it was spoiled, now he has food poisoning
HO HO HO
|
||||
19. |
||||
|
Hiking in the canyon
high above the treetops
In nature's isolation
Looking for eagles
Habitat destroyed by deforestation
greedy fuckin' assholes ruined all the forest
Human bullshit makes species endangered
Eagle now sees opportunity for revenge
Last thing you see
Sharp eagle talons
Ripping out your eyes
Turn your face to mush
Tearing you to shreds
Feeds you to its young
Now it has revenge
For humans wrecked its home
|
||||
20. |
Formed Into Meatloaf
01:42
|
|||
|
Working in a sausage factory
Twelve-hour shifts, with no breaks
Forming loaves and salisbury steaks
and you're making minimum wage
OSHA inspection has failed
Crumbling floor and rusty rails
And the sausage company
does not care about safety
You fall into the machine
co-workers can't hear you scream
Gears turn and the light turns green
Cooking your carcass with steam
Torn apart by robot claws
processed by the combine's jaws
Pounded to a putrid pulp
Ground into a pile of mush
Formed into meatloaf.
|
||||
21. |
Barbecue
07:16
|
|||
|
(PROLOGUE)
Out on the road, and all alone
Got a broken heart, so far from home
I ain't got no food, to call my own
I ain't got no food
I ain't got no home
(SECTION 1: “Wood N' Meat”)
Hickory logs. Can't be beat.
Got that smoke. Now it's time for the meat.
Brisket. Pulled pork.
Chick'n. Hot links.
Season it up, slap it around
Twelve hours later when the sun goes down
you got barbecue.
(SECTION 2: “Sides”)
Cole slaw. Baked beans.
Stone ground grits. Collard greens.
Sweet potato salad. Mac n' cheese.
Corn on the cob. And a cup o' sweet tea.
Cornbread muffins, sauce n' stuffin'
Wash it on down with a big shot of bourbon
That's barbecue.
(SECTION 3: “It's All Barbecue”)
Burnt ends, rib tips, cracklin's too
got a good smoky flavor and a mighty fine chew
Moppin' on the sauce with the baby back ribs
gonna make a big mess so you gonna need a bib
Slow and low is the name of the game
too fast and it's tougher than a two dollar steak
I got a tangy rich flavor and a nice smoke ring
servin' up a mess a' barbecue's a beautiful thing
Texas, kansas city, carolina, tennesee
don't matter where cuz it's all the same to me
it's barbecue
Yeah that's barbecue.
|
||||
22. |
Gored By A Mammoth
01:32
|
|||
|
Time-traveling researcher
Journey to the Pleistocene
You thought it was good idea
To observe this place in time
Writing in your notebook, observations
Gathering the samples, plants and soil
Checking out the landscape, flora, fauna
You trip over a Neanderthal corpse
You are on the open plains
Skulls and bones rot on the ground
Realize they're human remains
Sun is obscured by a shadow
Giant wooly mammoth tusk impales you
Bleeding, you are lifted to your doom
Ripping you apart, your notebook's ruined
All that you can see is a bunch of wool
Gored by a mammoth
Gored by a mammoth
Gored by a mammoth
Gored by a mammoth
|
||||
23. |
||||
|
Camping in your RV with your stupid fucking family
Ruining the campground experience for everybody
Playing shitty music loud, disobeying quiet hours
Disrespecting wildlife, acting like an asspipe
Leaving garbage on the ground, all your trash is strewn about
Inconsiderate and loud, you can't shut your fucking mouth
Filled with Funyuns and hot dogs, getting fucked up on White Claws
Throwing beer cans in the lake, you just made a mistake
Camping in the U.P., listening to Journey,
blasting Taylor Swift CDs at one hundred dB
Acting like obnoxious pricks, cooking marshmallows on sticks
Scaring all the bats and deer, all fucked up on shitty beer
Suddenly to your surprise you see a bunch of glowing eyes
appear in the blackness of the forest, your doom has arrived
From the shadows emerges a bunch of big pissed-off raccoons
And for some reason also the biggest cane toad in the world
You attempt to fend them off but the wildlife has had enough
As you're trying to escape, you trip over the trash you made
Crawling on the ground your legs are now inside the cane toad's mouth
“Don't Stop Believing” plays as the cane toad starts to eat you
All you see is raccoons, and they're mutilating you
Ripping your Affliction shirt, grinding you into the dirt
Tearing out your guts and bones, destroying your new iPhone
Then the CD changes and it starts to play “Shake It Off”
Raccoons... Cane Toad
Raccoons... Cane Toad
Raccoons... Cane Toad
Raccoons... Cane Toad
Raccoons... Cane Toad
Raccoons... Cane Toad
Raccoons... Cane Toad
Raccoons... Cane Toad
|
||||
24. |
||||
|
REEEEEEEEEEE!
Cross-country skiing, a healthy workout
Deep in the woods on the pristine snow
You stop to have some pumpkin spice chai
You got a thermos from L.L. Bean
Snow pants and jacket of highest quality
Wearing a sweater from Eddie Bauer
You went to Dunham's for all-new ski gear
Too bad you wasted all your money
Up ahead you see a snowy owl
Hanging out with glowing snowshoe hare
You have seen some fucked-up shit before
But this owl is from your nightmares
The owl swoops down and attacks you
Breaking your goggles and shredding your face
Magical snowshoe hare makes fun of you
Snow stained with blood and pumpkin spice
Owl talons now disembowel you
Beak is now turning your eyeballs to mush
Flapping owl wings beat the shit out of you
Ski gear is ruined, your skull is crushed
Your Eddie Bauer sweater is shredded to bits
Magical snowshoe hare doesn't give a shit
Him and the snowy owl are magical friends
And as for your ski trip, this is the end
|
||||
25. |
Beaten Up By Al Capone
01:58
|
|||
|
Having a nice time with your family and your friends
Eating snacks and watching televised sporting events
It's your turn to go to the garage and get more Strohs
You open the door only to find a magic portal
Before you can even ask yourself “what is this portal?”
A figure appears and it is Al Cafuckingpone
He floats towards you, an immortal manifestation
You are freaking out but you think “hey that's a nice suit”
You try to invite Al Capone in to have some hot wings
But then out of nowhere he just starts to kick your ass
You think “this is fucked up” as he's pummeling your face
And it hurts extra bad 'cause he's wearing all those rings
Al Capone and the portal vanish into thin air
Blood and broken eyesockets, your face is turned to mush
You tell your friends what happened and none of them believe you
But they're quick to mention you forgot the fucking Strohs
Beaten up by Al Capone!
|
||||
26. |
||||
|
Guests arrive in a good mood, time for you to serve them food
You've been working for three days, making food that's served on trays
Cheddar-radish walnut cheese ball,
melba toast with fish pâté
Crab cake bites with Old Bay Seasoning,
sliced-up veggie crudité
Mini quiches, fresh fruit salad,
chafing dish with hot fondue
Polynesian pineapple garnish
You made so much fucking food
Time to take it to the basement down a rickety flight of stairs
One wrong move you trip and fall, the trays of food fly everywhere
Gravity now takes your life
and it ruins all the food
Bones are shattered as you tumble
you get burned by hot fondue
Toothpicks impale both your eyeballs
hot sauce burns your bleeding wounds
No one could foresee this carnage
walls splattered with blood and food
Falling down the stairs with a tray of food!
|
||||
27. |
Trampled By Bison
01:22
|
|||
|
You're a stupid tourist in Yellowstone
"Please don't approach bison, leave them alone"
But you did not listen to the park ranger
Or read the signs warning you of the danger
Give them space, don't stand your ground, bison don't want you around
Keep one hundred yards away, in your car's where you should stay
Leave the wildlife alone, don't take selfies with your phone
This is not a petting zoo, bison will fucking kill you
But to you, Instagram is more important
Your greed and stupidity can't be avoided
You get gored by bison, everyone looks
as you're mashed into a pulp by bison hooves
Give them space, don't stand your ground, bison don't want you around
Keep one hundred yards away, in your car's where you should stay
Leave the wildlife alone, don't take selfies with your phone
This is not a petting zoo, bison will fucking kill you
Trampled by bison
Trampled by bison
Trampled by bison
Trampled by bison
Bison!!!
|
||||
28. |
||||
|
Logging corporation
Chopping down the wildlife's home
Ruining sanctuary
Leave that fucking shit alone
Real estate is stupid
Mowing down our forests and trees
To build luxury condos,
McMansions and Applebees
Human overpopulation
Urban sprawl is devastation
Time for the revenge of nature
Push you into a wood chipper
Greedy CEO
Visiting the logging site
Standing near the tree shredder
Does not see the moose behind
Eight feet tall and gangly
Pushes you into the chute
Wood chipper is spraying
Rolex parts, blood and mush
Human overpopulation
Urban sprawl is devastation
Time for the revenge of nature
Push you into a wood chipper
|
||||
29. |
||||
|
You go to the river
Leaving tons of garbage
Creating more litter
Very disrespectful
Cheetos bags and beer cans
Aquafina bottles
Discarded drug needles
Nasty fast food wrappers
Time has come for human slaughter
Seeing them fills you with horror
Something's coming 'cross the water
It's a group of river otters
Dragged into the river
Otters rip into you
Lacerate your flesh
Tearing you to shreds
Gouging out your eyeballs
Splitting you in half
Feasting on your entrails
Ripping you to shreds
Time has come for human slaughter
Seeing them fills you with horror
Something's coming 'cross the water
It's a group of river otters
Ripped to shreds by river otters
Ripped to shreds by river otters
Ripped to shreds by river otters
Ripped to shreds by river otters
Ripped to shreds by river otters
Ripped to shreds by river otters
Ripped to shreds by river otters
Ripped to shreds by river otters
|
||||
30. |
||||
|
You're in the museum trying to find ways to get fucked up
Looking at the ancient mummies, you decide to smoke their dust
You go past the velvet rope and trespass in the exhibit
Crumble up some mummy, pack it in your pipe and smoke it
You start to trip on the dust
You see jackals and scarabs
Hieroglyphics now appear
Hallucinations are real
Anubis appears and eviscerates you with a scepter
Ripping out your guts and placing them into canopic jars
Separating your organs to become part of the display
Throwing out your brain because you didn't use it anyway
|
||||
31. |
Slowly Turning Into Mush
01:28
|
|||
|
You're a Hobbit looking for mushrooms in the wilderness
But you have no guide there to tell you what's safe to ingest
Eating shrooms with reckless abandon 'cause you need the food
All different colors, shapes, and sizes, eating 'til you're full
You start to see floating Smurfs
Fingers turn into bratwursts
Something is wrong with your guts
Feel your innards turn to mush
Slowly turning into mush
|
||||
Chopping Mall Milwaukee, Wisconsin
KOTH DOLGOMORU is a park ranger, naturalist, nature guide, and multi-instrumetal heavy metal musican based in Wisconsin, USA.
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